Col 3:25

"Anyone who does wrong will be repaid for his wrong, and there is no favouritism" Col 3:25

I started this entry with a grim verse and you might be wondering why.

Well, as you all know, I have been receiving weird smses from people I don't know, claiming that they had chatted with me on facebook and that I had given my number to them.

Anyway, the third 'stalker/unknown person' to sms me appeared. I received an sms a few days ago and promptly ignored it. However, yesterday I received another one from the same person and in his sms he placed his name there.

So that got me wondering whether it was really done by the same person using several numbers. I went and checked my facebook for anyone called "E**** K***" and to my surprise, out of the list there was a 'friend' of mine, who had a friend of the same name (it seems no hacker went and added the friend under my account)

And that friend, coincidentally had the same English name as me. Andrea M**. So I checked her profile out and saw that she like bodybuilding (which is what the original "Stalker" does as a hobby) and warning bells rang in my head. I had actually accepted her out of naivete, because I merely thought she was someone who wanted to be friends with another of the same name and also because she looked like someone I know, it wouldn't be too bad.

I'm such a total idiot, aren't I?

Anyway, I was clearing of people I don't know from my list before this coincidence happened and had deleted her when I saw she liked bodybuilding, but I had never though of checking her friends list for the 'stalker' 's name. And when I did, he really was in her friend's list.

Which concludes that possibly this Andrea has been chatting up people online and giving out my number generously to all those people.

I'm not really sure what I should feel at this moment.

Anyway, what concerns me is the fact that I had allowed a window of opportunity for her to gain access to most of my information and pictures and seeing that the other parties concern don't seem to have any heart, they might take my pictures and photoshop it on porn pictures or sign me up for a weird ass dating site etc etc.

Another thing that distresses me is the fact that I don't believe I did anything wrong. My only fault (in my friends' opinion) was that I was too nice. I wasn't at fault at all. Is it my fault that he was the one scaring me till I cried?

Is it my fault that he acts in such a predator like way? Going to people's room, following them around, being absolutely clingy and frightening, especially with his big built body? Is it my fault that I was scared when he was waiting for me in the darkness, and ran out to "talk" to me. Is it my fault that I thought it was the last straw when he refused to give me space and in the end, rubbed his disgusting sweaty hand against mine, and not taking it seriously when I was obviously angry?

Is it my fault? Have I done something so wrong. So unchristian like, so out of the ordinary? Is it truly my fault if everyone took my stand when they were told the story (although he still delusionally believes that there are people here who likes him) << apparently not. Is it my fault that every girl here felt the same way that I did, but smart enough to move away fast) Is it my fault that I reminded him of the girl he used to like but broke his heart, merely by the fact that I wanted to live my life for God?

He ruined my orientation!

He ruined my experience here in Singapore!

He gave his friend my number to give out to people (and I'm not discounting the possibility that the andrea could be an account he created!!)

So is it my fault at all?? That he hates me in such a way to do something as RIDICULOUS and HORRIBLE as this???

Of course, this lead me to the verse today, that those who are in the wrong will get what they deserve.

My stand is to ignore them. Who knows. Maybe he is stalker enough to find this blog.

I wrote this entry to get this out of my chest. It's making me uncomfortable.

God, please allow me to claim the promises from you.

"Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne? Though she may forget, I will not forget you!" Isa 49:15

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart and you will find rest for your souls." Mt 11:28,29

God, I won't worry cos I'm grateful you're here, even when I'm such a sinner. Please take away this worry from me and guide me in my testimony to others. Pray that I'll be able to study hard and do my best!

It's raining.

Is God crying with me? For me? Or is it His way of comforting me?

(TAT) Stay Strong, Andrea!

Nausea

Feel like vomiting.

Bricks on head, splitting the ache.

Acrid acid in stomach churn. churn. churn.

Eyes and spirit are tired. Sleep runs away.

Come back. Come back sleep. Head is heavy heavy heavy.

Tired of continuous effort.

Tired of being disappointed.

Tired of trying to stand up by myself.

Tired of being strong.

Just tired.

but sleep eludes.

Is there a hell just like the one i described?

God. help. I dun understand.

acid stomach churn.churn.churn.

winding fan wheels slow.slow.slow.

no knocks upon my door. no one to care at all.

Is there a hell just like the one I am in?

Wave of Homesickness

I'm being enveloped by a wave of homesickness.

I miss Malaysian food and the roads that I've trodden often.

I miss my family and my room and my house and my dog.

I've always missed them but I don't really show it or perhaps, dislike showing it. I guess, all the foraging to find food to eat for lunch, money saving, trying to find new friends, getting used to the culture and to the place is slightly wearing me out.

The high of a new place and a new kind of atmosphere is dying and the weariness is slightly overwhelming.

On a brighter side, I'm starting to like my subjects. Southeast Asia is becoming more interesting as it's relatable. Economics is well... err economics? New Media is interesting when it comes to analysing it but the subject matter itself is tediously filled with technical stuff =( French is getting slightly better as I get used to people there and met kind people who are helping me (thank God) =) English Lit is of course, interesting as I meet people with interesting views.

On the darker side, it seems I have to decide either to major in Econs or NM (it's this NUS thing). Hard to explain haha. But we'll see.

Another positive note is the fact that everyone here are interesting, analytical and full of opinions. I really like it. I enjoy that the studies now are not really textbook answer base but its more of self-opinion and how you can support it. I'm not good at articulating my opinions into well-though answers yet, but prayerfully, God will guide me. Plus, since everyone is smart, there's not problem about group-mates who are irresponsible.

And, CCAs have started full on. Everyday my time is taken up. I'm happy though. If I hadn't join them, I'll never earn new skills nor meet other people. Plus, I'm terribly undisciplined, so probably won't study during all the free time. Since I have such a 'full' timetable, I have this urge to keep filling my time with studying (although shane dawson distracts me at times)

I must say, God is truly guiding me here from the first day. He introduced seniors who have been helpful and are tremendously kind. He guided me in incidences, like not getting the tutorial slot I'd originally wanted, but the current slot I have is way better for my schedule and I met the girl who would be my group mate (she's very nice and responsible!). He orchestrated people to reject my from the uni choir and acapella, from eusoff dance and drama cos he knows I'm unable to cope with my studies and so far, everything is just fine. I was rejected by EusoffWorks photograpy wing and got sent to design, lead me to find out what a noob designer I am and how there's so any things I can learn!!

I really thank God for his guidance. I know I sound all religious and all, but God and me is a relationship. He's very real in my life, and He loves me no matter how sinful I've been.

So even if I miss home, I'm glad I have a God that is always near with me. I can never understand how people could reject the chance to know him, but I guess it's because they don't see how God continuously works in their life!

I really thank God I've met nice people so far (besides the stalker incident) and still pray that I'll be better at time management and to do my best in everything. I'm hoping/praying/aiming for a good CAP this year!

Btw, hunny~ CONGRATULATIONS ;D

Mei FOng! Jia you in work! Continue to bless the people around you, like how you've guided me too *hug*

Cosplay PV

I want to make a cosplay PV. Seriously. I will. I will. I will!! Graaaaaaa!!

Some good ones that I'll post here so I can find it easily.





swwwt, I'm starting to like vocaloid!! orzzz

Busy day!!

Just finish archery and spent the afternoon discussing southeast asia project, finishing english literature tutorial and looking at a bit of new media as I watch the awesome, hilarious and cute shane dawson who is a christian and a virgin! That's not normal nowadays, so it's really cool. haha.

So going off to archery soon and feeling better about getting alto. Seems it's the harder part off choir and most singers are altos or tenors. Plus, you get to challenge yourself and train in term of harmonization.

The girl that got the drama post might reject it. Only 14 people got through the audition. But understandably, she plan to join a lot of other culture clubs plus her subject matter isn't easy, so it's really up to her. I say 'jia you' to her quietly in my unknown blog!

Plus, today is the audition day for dance production, which I'm part of the set design team. Yay! I had wanted to try out for it, on the condition there was no one I know or was terrified of there. I like starting things anew or fixing my problems in private. I don't confront, I quietly resolve in my heart to be better. So, in this case, I sort of ran away? Well, nobody was there and I was punctual, okay! The room was locked, and the aforesaid person was there on the phone and when I found out it was her who had rejected me, well, I sort of ran away. I'm quite sure she doesn't think too highly of me now haha.

Anyway, I'd always thought that I'll be better at culture here, but it seems I'm joining more organization stuff. If I'd known it'll be like this, I might have joined NUS Stage and try from there. But I'd really wanted to be active in hall and to be able to contribute. I was truly sincere and had a desire to learn. If the president only saw through that, and gave me a chance, it would have been beneficial, but life goes on.

So spilt milk problem here.

I'll just join next year or whatever. I wish they'll all be like the choir president, who picked people, not because they can sing, but because they were truly dedicated.

I've secretly resigned myself to the fact that I may be going to a residence next year.

Okay, going off for Choir Practice. Will update if need be, but will be skyping later with my dear hunny!

Remember andrea! Testimony!

On a side note, I'm growing fatter and happily indulging. ohohoho.Ahhhh and I lost my ring!!! orz, oh well. sobs

Back to Business?

I'm going through a slight period of confusion. One of my weakness is over-thinking stuff. Like, having so many issues at one time and in a way, writing it all in a blog helps me to sort of organize these thoughts into manageable pieces.

Some things that bug me

1) I'm ignoring or sort of not bothering about a few people.
I know it sounds bad, but do listen up.

After that incident with the stalker, I sort of changed. I use to be able to talk to anybody with no reservations and try not to be judgemental or biased. Like those people that others are adverse to, Why must I be guilty and cause such things to happen to me? I had really bad experiences that traumatized me. So, my solution is to just keep a distance at first, if we get close later, then fine. Don't act over friendly.

Anyway, I noticed some people who are alone, but I'm frightened of the consequences. Let God lead, no rush right? eheh. The three people in my mind and the consequence I might go through.

a) This other girl in my block. When I met her when I first arrived here and we talked fine. I was totally okay, ready to open up and we can be great friends, but as time went by, some things happened. She was rather selfish, when I'm talking and she wants to talk she sort of pushes me away and butt in. When I came back from jb, she didn't tell me she was going for my hall's orientation and left me alone to go to the malaysian one by myself. I felt warning signs. It reminded me of someone who was as selfish and many times, I had compromised and made a fool of myself for that person. So, I don't want to grow through that again.
b) This person who is kind of sickly looking. He seems nice-ish... but I fear talking to people who are kinda lonely etc, cos I'm worried they might stick to me or even like me (it sounds vain, but hey, it happens okay?) I don't want to go through that.
c) This guy who had a sex scandal before. I'm frighten of this kind of people. He's sort of giving me the stalker feel...

So, it's not wrong for me to just stay away, or distance myself. I'm sure, God will lead them to Christ another way.

Solution: Just concentrate on studies> my priority

2) I'm losing my talent
I'm slowly noticing that I'm losing my talents.
My art skills are considered mediocre. My singing, less than mediocre. My design, mediocre or worse, my piano skills: horrifying, drama:horrifying.
I'm starting to notice that other people who weren't as enthusiastic as me are standing out more. Okay, I'm jealous. Okay, I'm comparing myself.

But Andrea, you shouldn't think in that way. I don't think I sing that badly (at least I'm in tune yeah), I don't think my art skills are bad (in fact I'm glad I got to this level!!) I don't think my acting is that bad (just that I'm no good at getting into drama mode cos I'm kind of private) I don't think creating a design and having a story behind it is bad( at least I'm giving details, and I like doing it)

People been calling me fat (namely that sex tape guy!!), okay, I'm plump (not fat) but get over it. As long as I don't mind, that's fine. And it's not like I'm looking for a boyfriend alright!! In fact, I want to end my days in NUS as peacefully and celibately as possible!

Solution: God has given me talents, and I may not be the best, but as long I strive to improve and stay humble, it'll be okay!

3) Studies and time management.
Another day not studying. Been helping out for Merdeka Night. Till now. Am trying to switch body clock to sleep at 1 and wake up at 7 everyday. Need to buy groceries. Am not studying cos dislike subject matter and not sure how to start. Am tremendously jealous of those who are doing what they like.

Solution: Andrea, you're here now and you're suppose to shine for God, which means being accountable with your time, talent and money! Every second is a gift from God, every talent, a tool for God and every money, a security lent by God. So, don't think so much, be strong and focus on priorities.

It's okay if I don't get much posts or didn't attempt to get those posts. It's okay if seniors dislike me. It's okay if my friends are leaving me out. It's okay.

Cos I have God, a God like no other, who loves me wherever I am. He loves me so much, there can't be a more to his love. He loves me as much when I was in Malaysia and now in Singapore. People don't understand me and my actions, but it's okay. I rather be the minority in God's protective wing, then the majority.

need to sleep. 1.12am now.

Since my last post

Not very productive, or as productive and no life as I want.

I just found out I got rejected by Eusoff Drama!! I actually really wanted to join that club. I don't think I did that bad of an audition... cos I really sis my best and hoped for it. Whoa. Rejection. Haha

But as I write this all down, it's sort of therapeutic. Now I just want to know why I didn't get in. Was it my voice etc etc, if I'm really untalented, I don't want to attempt anymore, I mean, like done deal, right?? Oh well.

Slight depressing, but totally deserve it. It's good, cos lots of activities that I'm joining. Chingay performer is out and Drama is out, so 6 clubs in total?

haha

haha

ha

*EDIT*
They told me I got rejected cos I lacked confidence and lost the feel of my character halfway. Sigh, if that's the case, guess I'll be more confident and act out roles as they are meant to be played out (instead of improving them cos I thought it'll be interesting)

Did a bad thing today, spread gossip (not untrue though) about someone and I shouldn't have. Gossip is so delicious though...

Spent my day from 5.30-12.56am with MSL merdeka night and choir welcome tea.

Tired but still need to study!! I still have my econs and new media work to finish. I'm done (sort of) with the current Southeast and French work. Lit not looked at yet.

Econs is killing me. Seriously. Plus CCA taking too much of my time?? < about 8 hours allocated for Archery and Choir, not including A Capella.

Had about 4-5 hours sleep last night so am tired.

God, What are you trying to tell me? What are you trying to do? What is my purpose here and Lord, please give me strength. God, please instill the fear of the Lord in my heart and keep my strong.

Hint to peeps: the rumour was about a sex tape (OAO)!! Maybe hall isn't such a good idea after all.

FOCUS ANDREA FOCUS!!