New Moon?

I talked all I could. It was like a recording tape. Ongoing.

Rewind. Play. Stop. Rewind. Play. Stop.

It's like the whole world knows everything there is to know.

But talking helps. And I think it might be over.

I think finally I can come out of my room and face whatever problems I need to.

It's been a very relaxed time in my room.

I'm fine. I'm fine. Watched 'How I met your mother' was therapeutic in a way. Makes me forget. Makes me laugh and find that smile again.

Don't worry, my dear friend, Mei Fong. Just pray for me *Hug* and don't make this blog known to anyone if possible haha << sry, I'm writing it out loud here. I don't know how to privately comment and get you notified by it.

Anyway, I think everything about my studies is fine in a way. I think I manage to get all the subjects I need!

Target has not been seen around my area so I'm safe so far. I feel safer since it's the last day he'll be here. I hope everything ends about him. I really hope he's gone.

Now, besides that, everything else is complicated. The thing about Singapore and NUS is the fact that not all stuff are notified to you at the same time. You get notified of sudden dinners you need to attend etc. Not the most joyous thing ever, I guess.

I feel like I'm losing my focus on God.. on my mission, by staying in my room like this. It's tiring. Haha, and also feel with much regret that I missed out on so many things that could have been good memories if things were different.

But I truly thank God for the kind kind seniors and my wonderfully encouraging and supportive friends.

Some good may came out of this:
1) I'll be more wary of people next time and not to be so trusting in such a way that can endanger myself
2) Now there are seniors who know about me or know my personality a little
3) I am able to empathize with others who face the similar fear and use it to counsel and bring people to Christ
4) There are some people who use Christianity as a bait to lure stupid girls like me. And those people are the worst, because they truly dishonor God's name IMO
5) No matter where I go, there are always people who care about me

Although I wish that person did not freak me out so much because now...
1) I feel that my orientation is ruined
2) I feel like an abused wife that is feeling guilty cos she thinks she's the reason she's being abused
3) Whenever I think about jogging around the campus or visit my friends in PGP, I get frightened a bit. At least, my walkway at this hour (to the toilet or others) is not as menacing. I mean, he has to sleep to have strength to target other girls right??
4) I feel like I failed as a christian in a way
5) my friends have been too worried for me and I don't want them to feel anxious and helpless

Pros and Cons all in a row.

I'm not mentally deranged, y'all

Just a bit messed up.

Anyhow, parents are coming tomorrow right? I'll be safe. I don't want to worry them. Not with my aunty having cancer and all. Not with all the money problems. Sigh. What is my option then?

Tell me, Lord.

Today you say,

Without love, there is not meaning to things. No lasting result.

Then Lord, sometimes I wonder when can I practice this love. Or how can I do it like Jesus when I am a girl?

Father, forgive me if I'd sinned.

Hurting you is worse than hurting me.

Let your Will be Done.

It's tiring. Time is slow and slugs onwards... but it still moves fast and I'm panicking.

Bella ish

You know... this has been a good experience, albeit a scary one.

But the effects last. It's like your blood is drained from your face and you can feel the cheekbones drawing in.

Your eyes grow large and you can't seem to breathe, act or think right.

It's a paralyzing fear.

A crippling fear of the unexpected even when things are not what they seem.

The person has frightened me and I hate that it affects me so much. I hate that he has ruined one of my life experience.

I hate that he has killed my smile.

I really do.

And if tears are falling, I'm so messed up, I wonder if it's my own fault at all.

I can't seem to get back up as fast I should.

I can feel myself withering and I wonder why.

Is it me? Is it me? Or is it not me...

And the fact that everyone is so kind and yet so casual, makes me...

...

...

God, is it wrong for me not to have love? When this kind of people are involved?

I'm lost and confused and the guilt is killing me.

I think I'm going to cry.

I'm glad I'm alone in the room.

All I am is EMO?

I know I know.

I sound emo in this blog ALL THE TIME

Oh my goodness. Something just happened. I have no idea why I am so scared. Seriously. It's like a crippling fear. That person is too too frightening. I am darn darn darn scared.

I have no idea why. Everyone says to complain but I'm super scared.

I have no idea why.

Why can't you be stronger?

Why can't you be stronger?

Why can't you be stronger?

WHY CAN'T YOU BE STRONGER?!?

The Wheel

The basics of all basics in discipleship.

1) The Life in Christ
"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come"
2 Cor 5:17

God. Because you came into my life, I have a purpose that is distinct from others. I am created for you. God, I am new and let me Glorify your Name.

2) Christ the Centre
"I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing"
John 15:5

God. I feel tremendously alone. But I know that if I keep your Word close to my heart, my path is lit by your presence and comforting light. Without you, I will fall into darkness. Without you, I will lose my way.

3) The Word
"Jesus answered 'It is written ' Men does not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God'"
Matthew 4:4

God, your words comforts and lifts me up. How can I live without thy loving kindness is impossible to understand. I'm frightened but your word and promises... lifts me up.

4) Prayer
"Until now, you have not asked for anything in my name. Ask and you will receive, and your joy will be complete"
John 16:24

God. Listen to my plea and prayer. I thank your mercy and guidance that you have been with me and has given me Your Son to die on the cross so that I can talk to you and call you Father. Your love gives me courage. For what Father will lead his daughter to darkness? God, no matter what obstacles I go through, I know you'll be there for me and lead me to where is best for me,

5) Obedience
"Whoever has my commands and obeys them, he is the one who loves me. He who loves me will be loved by my Father, and I too will love him and show myself to him."
John 14:21

God, I ask myself. I know you love me. But do I truly love you. God, from my heart, I say I do. You are the Alpha and Omega and even though you are and Awesome God and I am nothing, Father you have drawn me to your embrace. God. I love you and for this, I commit my life to you. A life that glorifies you. A life that can be a lighthouse to the world.

6) Witnessing
"We proclaim to you what we have seen and heard, so that you also may have fellowship with us. And our fellowship is with the Father and with his Son, Jesus Christ"
1John 1:3

God. This feeling I know. The comfort I get from you, I must share with the world! Lord, Give me strength that I may lead some souls to you today!

Amen.

Song

D major

Oh, I'm happy oh tonight,
the world is shining bright,
please don't say goodbye, oh today.

So, I'm going to try and stop time,
put my batteries all in a line,
but even if seconds go, the memories of you still stay.

Chorus:
Can ten thousand angels,
sing my song,
with the same heart,
the same look in your eyes
whenever I look at you,
And like a bird my feelings soar,
a picture in the clear blue sky,
this fireworks inside of me,
can the angels sings about tonight.

(la di da >sfx)

Oh, I'm feeling really good,
not studying like I should,
now the alphabets starts with 'U' and 'I'.

So hey, I think that I'm in love,
is it meant from up above?
Well, I think you know,
cos the feelings on my face and smiles just show.

(repeat chorus)

Bridge:
Oh, it's never easy,
when this love's from one party,
and you just feel so alone, so alone,
But soon,
time will tell you what you know,
something you felt from long ago,
then you'll look up and you'll see me!

(repeat chorus)

Breathe

It's as if I can't breathe

just breathe

so simple

but I can't.