Col 3:25

"Anyone who does wrong will be repaid for his wrong, and there is no favouritism" Col 3:25

I started this entry with a grim verse and you might be wondering why.

Well, as you all know, I have been receiving weird smses from people I don't know, claiming that they had chatted with me on facebook and that I had given my number to them.

Anyway, the third 'stalker/unknown person' to sms me appeared. I received an sms a few days ago and promptly ignored it. However, yesterday I received another one from the same person and in his sms he placed his name there.

So that got me wondering whether it was really done by the same person using several numbers. I went and checked my facebook for anyone called "E**** K***" and to my surprise, out of the list there was a 'friend' of mine, who had a friend of the same name (it seems no hacker went and added the friend under my account)

And that friend, coincidentally had the same English name as me. Andrea M**. So I checked her profile out and saw that she like bodybuilding (which is what the original "Stalker" does as a hobby) and warning bells rang in my head. I had actually accepted her out of naivete, because I merely thought she was someone who wanted to be friends with another of the same name and also because she looked like someone I know, it wouldn't be too bad.

I'm such a total idiot, aren't I?

Anyway, I was clearing of people I don't know from my list before this coincidence happened and had deleted her when I saw she liked bodybuilding, but I had never though of checking her friends list for the 'stalker' 's name. And when I did, he really was in her friend's list.

Which concludes that possibly this Andrea has been chatting up people online and giving out my number generously to all those people.

I'm not really sure what I should feel at this moment.

Anyway, what concerns me is the fact that I had allowed a window of opportunity for her to gain access to most of my information and pictures and seeing that the other parties concern don't seem to have any heart, they might take my pictures and photoshop it on porn pictures or sign me up for a weird ass dating site etc etc.

Another thing that distresses me is the fact that I don't believe I did anything wrong. My only fault (in my friends' opinion) was that I was too nice. I wasn't at fault at all. Is it my fault that he was the one scaring me till I cried?

Is it my fault that he acts in such a predator like way? Going to people's room, following them around, being absolutely clingy and frightening, especially with his big built body? Is it my fault that I was scared when he was waiting for me in the darkness, and ran out to "talk" to me. Is it my fault that I thought it was the last straw when he refused to give me space and in the end, rubbed his disgusting sweaty hand against mine, and not taking it seriously when I was obviously angry?

Is it my fault? Have I done something so wrong. So unchristian like, so out of the ordinary? Is it truly my fault if everyone took my stand when they were told the story (although he still delusionally believes that there are people here who likes him) << apparently not. Is it my fault that every girl here felt the same way that I did, but smart enough to move away fast) Is it my fault that I reminded him of the girl he used to like but broke his heart, merely by the fact that I wanted to live my life for God?

He ruined my orientation!

He ruined my experience here in Singapore!

He gave his friend my number to give out to people (and I'm not discounting the possibility that the andrea could be an account he created!!)

So is it my fault at all?? That he hates me in such a way to do something as RIDICULOUS and HORRIBLE as this???

Of course, this lead me to the verse today, that those who are in the wrong will get what they deserve.

My stand is to ignore them. Who knows. Maybe he is stalker enough to find this blog.

I wrote this entry to get this out of my chest. It's making me uncomfortable.

God, please allow me to claim the promises from you.

"Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne? Though she may forget, I will not forget you!" Isa 49:15

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart and you will find rest for your souls." Mt 11:28,29

God, I won't worry cos I'm grateful you're here, even when I'm such a sinner. Please take away this worry from me and guide me in my testimony to others. Pray that I'll be able to study hard and do my best!

It's raining.

Is God crying with me? For me? Or is it His way of comforting me?

(TAT) Stay Strong, Andrea!

Nausea

Feel like vomiting.

Bricks on head, splitting the ache.

Acrid acid in stomach churn. churn. churn.

Eyes and spirit are tired. Sleep runs away.

Come back. Come back sleep. Head is heavy heavy heavy.

Tired of continuous effort.

Tired of being disappointed.

Tired of trying to stand up by myself.

Tired of being strong.

Just tired.

but sleep eludes.

Is there a hell just like the one i described?

God. help. I dun understand.

acid stomach churn.churn.churn.

winding fan wheels slow.slow.slow.

no knocks upon my door. no one to care at all.

Is there a hell just like the one I am in?

Wave of Homesickness

I'm being enveloped by a wave of homesickness.

I miss Malaysian food and the roads that I've trodden often.

I miss my family and my room and my house and my dog.

I've always missed them but I don't really show it or perhaps, dislike showing it. I guess, all the foraging to find food to eat for lunch, money saving, trying to find new friends, getting used to the culture and to the place is slightly wearing me out.

The high of a new place and a new kind of atmosphere is dying and the weariness is slightly overwhelming.

On a brighter side, I'm starting to like my subjects. Southeast Asia is becoming more interesting as it's relatable. Economics is well... err economics? New Media is interesting when it comes to analysing it but the subject matter itself is tediously filled with technical stuff =( French is getting slightly better as I get used to people there and met kind people who are helping me (thank God) =) English Lit is of course, interesting as I meet people with interesting views.

On the darker side, it seems I have to decide either to major in Econs or NM (it's this NUS thing). Hard to explain haha. But we'll see.

Another positive note is the fact that everyone here are interesting, analytical and full of opinions. I really like it. I enjoy that the studies now are not really textbook answer base but its more of self-opinion and how you can support it. I'm not good at articulating my opinions into well-though answers yet, but prayerfully, God will guide me. Plus, since everyone is smart, there's not problem about group-mates who are irresponsible.

And, CCAs have started full on. Everyday my time is taken up. I'm happy though. If I hadn't join them, I'll never earn new skills nor meet other people. Plus, I'm terribly undisciplined, so probably won't study during all the free time. Since I have such a 'full' timetable, I have this urge to keep filling my time with studying (although shane dawson distracts me at times)

I must say, God is truly guiding me here from the first day. He introduced seniors who have been helpful and are tremendously kind. He guided me in incidences, like not getting the tutorial slot I'd originally wanted, but the current slot I have is way better for my schedule and I met the girl who would be my group mate (she's very nice and responsible!). He orchestrated people to reject my from the uni choir and acapella, from eusoff dance and drama cos he knows I'm unable to cope with my studies and so far, everything is just fine. I was rejected by EusoffWorks photograpy wing and got sent to design, lead me to find out what a noob designer I am and how there's so any things I can learn!!

I really thank God for his guidance. I know I sound all religious and all, but God and me is a relationship. He's very real in my life, and He loves me no matter how sinful I've been.

So even if I miss home, I'm glad I have a God that is always near with me. I can never understand how people could reject the chance to know him, but I guess it's because they don't see how God continuously works in their life!

I really thank God I've met nice people so far (besides the stalker incident) and still pray that I'll be better at time management and to do my best in everything. I'm hoping/praying/aiming for a good CAP this year!

Btw, hunny~ CONGRATULATIONS ;D

Mei FOng! Jia you in work! Continue to bless the people around you, like how you've guided me too *hug*

Cosplay PV

I want to make a cosplay PV. Seriously. I will. I will. I will!! Graaaaaaa!!

Some good ones that I'll post here so I can find it easily.





swwwt, I'm starting to like vocaloid!! orzzz

Busy day!!

Just finish archery and spent the afternoon discussing southeast asia project, finishing english literature tutorial and looking at a bit of new media as I watch the awesome, hilarious and cute shane dawson who is a christian and a virgin! That's not normal nowadays, so it's really cool. haha.

So going off to archery soon and feeling better about getting alto. Seems it's the harder part off choir and most singers are altos or tenors. Plus, you get to challenge yourself and train in term of harmonization.

The girl that got the drama post might reject it. Only 14 people got through the audition. But understandably, she plan to join a lot of other culture clubs plus her subject matter isn't easy, so it's really up to her. I say 'jia you' to her quietly in my unknown blog!

Plus, today is the audition day for dance production, which I'm part of the set design team. Yay! I had wanted to try out for it, on the condition there was no one I know or was terrified of there. I like starting things anew or fixing my problems in private. I don't confront, I quietly resolve in my heart to be better. So, in this case, I sort of ran away? Well, nobody was there and I was punctual, okay! The room was locked, and the aforesaid person was there on the phone and when I found out it was her who had rejected me, well, I sort of ran away. I'm quite sure she doesn't think too highly of me now haha.

Anyway, I'd always thought that I'll be better at culture here, but it seems I'm joining more organization stuff. If I'd known it'll be like this, I might have joined NUS Stage and try from there. But I'd really wanted to be active in hall and to be able to contribute. I was truly sincere and had a desire to learn. If the president only saw through that, and gave me a chance, it would have been beneficial, but life goes on.

So spilt milk problem here.

I'll just join next year or whatever. I wish they'll all be like the choir president, who picked people, not because they can sing, but because they were truly dedicated.

I've secretly resigned myself to the fact that I may be going to a residence next year.

Okay, going off for Choir Practice. Will update if need be, but will be skyping later with my dear hunny!

Remember andrea! Testimony!

On a side note, I'm growing fatter and happily indulging. ohohoho.Ahhhh and I lost my ring!!! orz, oh well. sobs

Back to Business?

I'm going through a slight period of confusion. One of my weakness is over-thinking stuff. Like, having so many issues at one time and in a way, writing it all in a blog helps me to sort of organize these thoughts into manageable pieces.

Some things that bug me

1) I'm ignoring or sort of not bothering about a few people.
I know it sounds bad, but do listen up.

After that incident with the stalker, I sort of changed. I use to be able to talk to anybody with no reservations and try not to be judgemental or biased. Like those people that others are adverse to, Why must I be guilty and cause such things to happen to me? I had really bad experiences that traumatized me. So, my solution is to just keep a distance at first, if we get close later, then fine. Don't act over friendly.

Anyway, I noticed some people who are alone, but I'm frightened of the consequences. Let God lead, no rush right? eheh. The three people in my mind and the consequence I might go through.

a) This other girl in my block. When I met her when I first arrived here and we talked fine. I was totally okay, ready to open up and we can be great friends, but as time went by, some things happened. She was rather selfish, when I'm talking and she wants to talk she sort of pushes me away and butt in. When I came back from jb, she didn't tell me she was going for my hall's orientation and left me alone to go to the malaysian one by myself. I felt warning signs. It reminded me of someone who was as selfish and many times, I had compromised and made a fool of myself for that person. So, I don't want to grow through that again.
b) This person who is kind of sickly looking. He seems nice-ish... but I fear talking to people who are kinda lonely etc, cos I'm worried they might stick to me or even like me (it sounds vain, but hey, it happens okay?) I don't want to go through that.
c) This guy who had a sex scandal before. I'm frighten of this kind of people. He's sort of giving me the stalker feel...

So, it's not wrong for me to just stay away, or distance myself. I'm sure, God will lead them to Christ another way.

Solution: Just concentrate on studies> my priority

2) I'm losing my talent
I'm slowly noticing that I'm losing my talents.
My art skills are considered mediocre. My singing, less than mediocre. My design, mediocre or worse, my piano skills: horrifying, drama:horrifying.
I'm starting to notice that other people who weren't as enthusiastic as me are standing out more. Okay, I'm jealous. Okay, I'm comparing myself.

But Andrea, you shouldn't think in that way. I don't think I sing that badly (at least I'm in tune yeah), I don't think my art skills are bad (in fact I'm glad I got to this level!!) I don't think my acting is that bad (just that I'm no good at getting into drama mode cos I'm kind of private) I don't think creating a design and having a story behind it is bad( at least I'm giving details, and I like doing it)

People been calling me fat (namely that sex tape guy!!), okay, I'm plump (not fat) but get over it. As long as I don't mind, that's fine. And it's not like I'm looking for a boyfriend alright!! In fact, I want to end my days in NUS as peacefully and celibately as possible!

Solution: God has given me talents, and I may not be the best, but as long I strive to improve and stay humble, it'll be okay!

3) Studies and time management.
Another day not studying. Been helping out for Merdeka Night. Till now. Am trying to switch body clock to sleep at 1 and wake up at 7 everyday. Need to buy groceries. Am not studying cos dislike subject matter and not sure how to start. Am tremendously jealous of those who are doing what they like.

Solution: Andrea, you're here now and you're suppose to shine for God, which means being accountable with your time, talent and money! Every second is a gift from God, every talent, a tool for God and every money, a security lent by God. So, don't think so much, be strong and focus on priorities.

It's okay if I don't get much posts or didn't attempt to get those posts. It's okay if seniors dislike me. It's okay if my friends are leaving me out. It's okay.

Cos I have God, a God like no other, who loves me wherever I am. He loves me so much, there can't be a more to his love. He loves me as much when I was in Malaysia and now in Singapore. People don't understand me and my actions, but it's okay. I rather be the minority in God's protective wing, then the majority.

need to sleep. 1.12am now.

Since my last post

Not very productive, or as productive and no life as I want.

I just found out I got rejected by Eusoff Drama!! I actually really wanted to join that club. I don't think I did that bad of an audition... cos I really sis my best and hoped for it. Whoa. Rejection. Haha

But as I write this all down, it's sort of therapeutic. Now I just want to know why I didn't get in. Was it my voice etc etc, if I'm really untalented, I don't want to attempt anymore, I mean, like done deal, right?? Oh well.

Slight depressing, but totally deserve it. It's good, cos lots of activities that I'm joining. Chingay performer is out and Drama is out, so 6 clubs in total?

haha

haha

ha

*EDIT*
They told me I got rejected cos I lacked confidence and lost the feel of my character halfway. Sigh, if that's the case, guess I'll be more confident and act out roles as they are meant to be played out (instead of improving them cos I thought it'll be interesting)

Did a bad thing today, spread gossip (not untrue though) about someone and I shouldn't have. Gossip is so delicious though...

Spent my day from 5.30-12.56am with MSL merdeka night and choir welcome tea.

Tired but still need to study!! I still have my econs and new media work to finish. I'm done (sort of) with the current Southeast and French work. Lit not looked at yet.

Econs is killing me. Seriously. Plus CCA taking too much of my time?? < about 8 hours allocated for Archery and Choir, not including A Capella.

Had about 4-5 hours sleep last night so am tired.

God, What are you trying to tell me? What are you trying to do? What is my purpose here and Lord, please give me strength. God, please instill the fear of the Lord in my heart and keep my strong.

Hint to peeps: the rumour was about a sex tape (OAO)!! Maybe hall isn't such a good idea after all.

FOCUS ANDREA FOCUS!!

Stayed back in SG

I stayed back in sg this week. Cos I had so many assignments and needed to use the internet and discuss my assignment presentation.

But so far, I didn't really used my time wisely, did my reading and prepared a bit for presentation but I haven't started making notes yet or not. I studied last night and had supper. And woke up late in the morning and slept till 10 (in a way good, cos got my sleep from the previous night of only 4 hours), went for archery and came back at 2 and finished my readings till now, yay!

Some issues... well not really issue per se since I've sort of rationalize it is the number of CCA I'm taking or planning to take.

CCAs and the logic:
1) Archery: nt so serious, but a chance to exercise
2) NUS Comic and Animations Society: get to draw my manga stuff and attending conventions while getting CCA pts
3) Eusoff Choir: Not sure If I'll reject it, since I have so many culture stuff already
4) Dance Production Set Designer: I didn't plan to apply for it actually but a senior approach me about it since they knew I could draw and I was interested in it, plus, it's just few weeks on design, and maybe staying back during holidays to oversee everything.
5) Chingay Performer: also during holidays and a good experience?
6) Eusoff Works Phtography/ Design: Must attend all eusoff events: but technically, I'm attending anyway plus can learn how to use DSLR then can have awesome cosplay photoshoots and even $$ next time.
7) Eusoff Acapella: A good chance to try acapella and not sure if can get in or not.
8) Eusoff Drama: Also not sure if can get in or not, but always wanted to try.

Crap, it looks like a lot. 8 CCAs might kill me and my CAP. Well, technically, 2 of them is during holidays and 1 of them is not really serious, so 6 in total, or maybe 5 cos I'll quit Choir if I get the other 2. Choir, I heard is 3 times a week?? crazy, so is archery, I might not have a life after this.

Plus, studies are mad, I can't keep track of all the deadlines for all the assignments. Gotta start making notes for each subject and practice my language.

AND I want to join the National Manga Competition and the CF 100 days are looming, hooboy.

AND someone told me to help him in business, which is really up to me I guess, sigh...

What doesn't kill me, makes me stronger.

GOD, I know I haven't been the best, I know I'm a sinner and I never repent, Lord God who loves me, please help me!!

To Hunny, I think I sent you an email to shigure in case you're angry that I didn't reply the sms. I reply via email cos sms no longer free after 12...

hugs

I tell you God is Real

No kidding.

These past few days, I've been at my shallowest. Like, digging the mud off tar roads, low. Maybe it's my PMS, maybe it's the stress or lack of exercise, but whatever it was, I was very close to falling.

Teetering, Tottering on the edge of the cliff of an Abyss. Looking down longingly at the masquerade partying below. It was tempting.

But God truly is real. At that moment when I was so ever lost, I told God, 'If you're real, call my name' and He did. Like seriously, like literally. Not of course, in his voice but through someone else. And I was safe again. Saved again. Just like that.

No kidding.

I was still swaying a bit tho, here and there, then God through two anchors into my path to hold me up and drag me way from the cliff. Those two anchors sat me down and talked all the doubts away.

Each one, every one, lifted and flew away, like the whisp of dusty air that they were, yet the Devil tried to make me believe they were heavy chains around me.

And the Question and conviction I'm left with is "What would Jesus do?" and "Who am I trying to serve, really?"

I got confused. I wondered if what I thought was wrong, truly wrong? Cos every Christian seems to do it, yet someone drop a bomb on me.

Question: Andrea, if you saw Jesus in a pub, but he's not drinking or clubbing, what would you think?
Answer: First thing I'll think, If I was a Pharisee or a modern day Paparazzi, I wouldn't believe him at all if he says he didn't drink and club.

Truth.

It's like seeing a politician going to a sex escort club, and no matter how he denies it, no matter the truth in his truths, (whether he went to find his long lost daughter whom he never knew and just found the location of) the picture others have of him lasts and says otherwise.

Thanks Mei Fong and Siew Ern. You've been truly helpful *Hug*

"So whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do it all for the GLORY of GOD" 1Cor10:31

Finding it hard to buck up

I knew I was never very smart. Nor am I discipline or great at time management.

I just got rejected by the NUS Choir audition, not that it was dire, since I had so many commitment to follow through.

My parents' emails that implies that I should be studying in my room all the time and going back to jb all the time irritates me slightly, because life is sadly, not that simple. But they're right in a way, have a proven that I can study and commit myself to all these activities? Yet, I don't want to spend my university life here in a room, when there are other experience and skill that I can gain. I need a group of friends that won't drop me like a hot bun cos I'm never there.

Plus, going back to JB all the time isn't giving me that great of an advantage. I do spend time with my church members, but worship is always short, fellowship much much less, I don't feel very edified, merely an obligation < which can be experienced here without the cost of going to and fro and the waste of time.

I have to finish my readings. I have to start making notes.

But truth be told, I hate my subjects atm. New Media is AMAZINGLY technical<< hate hate hate, ECONS is frustrating, Southeast has many readings that are almost pointless, French is HARD, English Lit is boring atm. I keep thinking "If only I was reading a Law book, I wouldn't be procrastinating" <
I have to pack to bring my notes to JB, but some of my friends wants to come to SG to visit me. Truth be told, I have no time, money nor experience to bring them around. Sobs. I feel bad.

But if I want to do law, I need to love the subjects. Why did my auntie and Mom gave me the idea to go to NUS, why did I think that God was leading me here? Why did I believe that the subjects could be interesting when I didn't really know the subject matter? Now I'm stressed financially, academically, and in my time management and even my relationship nor my ministry seems stagnant.

As I write this, I wonder, did God tried to tell me not to come here? What made me sure this was the right thing to do? Was the UKM law, the continuous talk with SE on law and the frequent panic attacks that led to long sms-es a sign that I didn't really want to go? I was so fixed on the idea that I needed to sacrifice my dream for God, if that is what he wants me to do> which leads to the question "What does he want me to do?"

Seriously, NUS graduates aren't that great unless you're in a specialized course.

God, this is all tiring. Seriously.

I'm not making any sense.

Mei Fong, am I really doing the right thing?

Stalker no. 3

I have no idea what's happening.

Seriously.

Now, I have another person who says he talked to me on facebook and gave him my number before I went to sleep.

Another number that I do not know.

It's tiring. Someone is definitely pulling a prank on me =_=

Isn't this called harrasment. But It's only negative if I let it get to me. Does the Bible tells you anything about this? Does God gives you verses on how to deal with stalkers?? All I have are verses that tells me God will always be there for me, he is a strong God, he will protect me and I do not need to fear.

So now, as I get this kind of sms, I have to be strong. God knows what I'm going through. He allows this to happen for reasons that I cannot really understand.

If I let it get to me, that means I'm saying God doesn't have the power to protect me but it isn't true. How can the God that created me, be unable to control the actions of another person he created. We are all merely creations of God.

Philippians 2

Imitating Christ's Humility
1 If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion,

2 then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose.

3 Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves.

4 Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.

5 Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus:



6Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped,

7 but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness.

8 And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death— even death on a cross!

9 Therefore God exalted him to the highest place and gave him the name that is above every name,

10 that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth,

11 and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.


Shining as Stars
12 Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed— not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence— continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling,

13 for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose.

14 Do everything without complaining or arguing,

15 so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe

16 as you hold out the word of life— in order that I may boast on the day of Christ that I did not run or labour for nothing.

17 But even if I am being poured out like a drink offering on the sacrifice and service coming from your faith, I am glad and rejoice with all of you.

18 So you too should be glad and rejoice with me.

Updating on the random complexities

Just ended CF gathering. Somehow, lack the motivation to worship God when doubts of proper teachings swirl in the mind.

Was reminded of how important testimony is!!

My non-Christian friend just asked me "Do Christians pray before lunch? Cos I never see you guys pray..."

I'm like "Yes, we pray! Just that I forget cos I don't have the right heart!"

I just messed up an opportunity to show how much I love God, when evidently I don't =( ANDREA, lu stupid!

Plus, 31 readings for Southeast Asia Studies?!? Worse than law!! And french was horrible cos I have ZERO knowledge about it, while some smart elect was easily showing us his wide range of vocab, giving the impression that my class are all talented in French. Sobs, sad andrea who is actually not very smart. =(

New Media seems interesting but everything is so technical! Orz, I'm judging and concluding too fast. And superbly FAT now<< cos no one and too tired to go out and exercise. only thing I can do? < eat less!

Also, rethinking why I didn't attempt to try architecture or take communication design =( I don't know if what I'm doing is right.

Oh well, at this stage, just let God lead.

"Be STRONG and COURAGEOUS. Do not be terrified; Do not be discourage, for the LORD your GOD will be with you wherever you go" Joshua 1:9

One last thought before I head to my bed

Why can't I be party that could be susceptible and influence by the wrong conduct of others? I wish others would live up to the same principles that God wants upheld. I wish other Christians would stop tempting me to fall and compromise to their standards. If only I know more people with that passion for God. If only, I had someone here that I can talk to everyday about God and how He changes lives!<< without that person thinking, "religious cahoot" I push myself too high up the pedestal, some Christians say, but is it wrong to want to live my life in a Christlike way?

"And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit" 2 Cor 3:18

Additional Pain

I have met another person who has read the Bible and is not convinced of the gospel. I am not afraid. After all, it is the Holy Spirit who convicts in his time.

I just feel sad. Those people were so close to God, so close to knowing the best thing in the world. So close to have a chance with the One and Only True Living God.

Of course, I respect their decision. It's just sad. Non-believers read the Bible, and are still so blind in the world. Believers don't read the bible, are blind and believes that they can see.

It's a messed up world. And sadly, non-believers have to rely on logic and philosophy to replace what they cannot understand and what the Christian already knows in comfort. EG What's the meaning of Life? Why are we here? These are answers we, believers have. We are here because of God, for God. That's just it. Simple and sweet, no rationalizing to bitter the taste.

Some people are unable to comprehend the relationship we have with a God we cannot see.

"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." Heb 11:1

That's right. Faith cannot be rationalized in a way science can. It just is, and when the Holy Spirit convicts.

To understand more on how the Holy Spirit convicts: here

Musings of Despairity

I'm a bit confused, and I'm trying not to be.

I'm not sure if heading back to Malaysia each time, a good thing. There's too many things that I can't seem to cope with and the lack of sleep has impaired my brain... kinda.

There are so many things going on right now.

One warning bell has been ringing the entire time the last few hours.

The NEED to STUDY!

I need to study and get good grades, but the inability and lack of capability to do so impairs and overwhelms me. The time constraints becomes like painful bubbles in my already swollen up brain.

I need to get a scholarship!
I want to change faculty!
I need to stay in my hall!
I need to save money!
I need to earn money!
I need to level up the talents that I have!
I need to join CCAs and actually understand the meaning of the word CAP and MCS.

My printer is big and expensive and I need to figure out how to install it and get A4 paper and a proper toner before it dies =(

Sigh. I'm letting worldly things overwhelm me. Look back to God, Andrea. Look back.

Some warnings from the bible:
"...Get behind me Satan!...You do not have in mind the things of God, but the things of men." Mark 8:33

Mark 8 again:
"(v35) If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me(v36) What good is it for a man to gain the whole world, yet forfeit his soul"

Don't lose your passion for God, Andrea!

A verse that struck my heart.

"Martha, Martha" the Lord answered, "you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is better and it will not be taken away from her. Luke10:41

"Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal." Mark6:19

Daichi My Love

I just found an amazing and amazingly hot.... BEATBOXER!!

Daichi, my love~~

Enjoy~



Everyone was like tuning onto his audition tape only! Awesome!!




The show where he got famous on! He looks so young... and talented~~



Talent *sigh*

On another note, Econs in NUS has been learnt before but the notes are at a faster rate and it's hard to understand when you learnt it in Malay *complain*

haha

anger anger anger

raaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawwwwrrrrrrrrrr

is this an omen???

Now not only did I have a stalker, now I have another one!!

hate hate hate

frustrated to d MAXXXXX

Singapore is proving to be a horrible horrible exp atm!!!

I pity all the cute cute girls who get this kind of thing, but at least their stronger for it, plus most of the time, I think cute girls' admirers are more sane than this psycho people who tak faham what is NO!

angryyyyyyy.

So I was going back to sg when I got this PSYCHO person who suddenly sms me and said that he talked to me on FB. I was all nice and said 'sry wrong no' and he knows me by name, PSYCHO ALERT.

So conclusion?

1) someone hack into my acc and did what they did under my name. Seems not possible though. A coincidence it's a sg no that I dunno? You can only chat with your frens right?
2) STALKER 1 who has my no, bought a new no. to stalk me once again or gave it to his fren to stalk me.
3) Someone really got the wrong Andrea<< unlikely cos normally if you ignore the first time, they'll find easier prey.
4) Some senior/person playing a prank on me << a senior told me about it a while ago that seniors sometimes do that.

Suspicion 2 seems very likely

So I ignored his sms like the deranged frightened poor girl that I am, and he is still smsin me. What the?? It's alright, right? Just ignore the poor, sadly deprived boy. He won't come to my room or wait outside my room door like STALKER 1, right?

There is something seriously wrong with the guys here. I gotta find a nice decent Korean boy to settle down with. Preferably one that goes by the name G-dragon!

Well, it taught me a lesson, dun give my no. to random ppl. =(

Is this an omen? One of the reasons why I wanted to take law was to learn how to use it! So, If I knew the law, I would know if I can arrest that guy or send a warrant against him >=(

Gahhhhhhh, GOD HELP ME!

"BE ON YOUR GUARD! STAND FIRM IN THE FAITH; BE MEN OF COURAGE; BE STRONG!!"
1 Cor 16:13

Perhaps Regret?

Been studying economics just now.

And is slightly regretting coming to NUS.

I'm not sure how to explain this to myself.

Every time I attempt to study Economics, my mind sort of flutters away. I stare at the page and attempt to understand the nature of the problem and attempt to apply economic principles upon it, yet I can't help comparing it to law.

Law was interesting. Every problem relates to the cases of old; cases that truly happen and that will happen again. Every analysis wasn't an analysis based on assumptions. It truly allows a person to question every bit of the situation as if you were probing the corners of a square and to use the law like a weapon and a shield. It allows for originality, a chance to find a solution never been made before, unlike economics that seems to say the same thing as others. Every sentence seems to make sense and draws you in because it was practical, because you could even use it in everyday life and be the better layman at it.

Would it be an exaggeration to say that I love law?

Many ask me the same questions;
1) Why did you quit law? Is it because NUS is a renown university?
2) How did you know God called you to NUS?

I came to NUS because I was tremendously convinced God called me here. I didn't know why and I don't know how God will use me. All I know is that if God calls me to the ends of the earth, I will follow and obey.

I'll talk about the signs I felt that were pointing me to NUS in another entry.

I'm glad I wrote this entry though. A reminder of the reason I'm here. I've been cooped up in my room, watching shows and studying in turns, not mingling with people, terribly tempted to compromise on certain principles because of the innocent masks the tempter wears, thus frightened to mix with others, feeling lost at my own useless strength and faith in the Lord.

I was falling due to procrastination. God's word didn't seem to move me and I didn't have the motivation to continue at something I didn't enjoy. I lack prayer and I allowed idle time to bide at my hands.

But the bible regards laziness/sloth as one of the seven deadly sins!

From Proverbs, we see the effects of laziness!!

“Diligent hands will rule, but laziness ends in slave labor” (12:24) << yes, we will be maids and slaves if we continue in our lazzzyyy ways.

“A sluggard does not plow in season; so at harvest time he looks but finds nothing” (20:4)

“The soul of the lazy man desires and has nothing; but the soul of the diligent shall be made rich” (13:4 KJV).

Truly, the bible is a light onto our feet if we only look for the answers in it.

"For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do” (Ephesians 2:10).

"Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving”
(Colossians 3:23-24)

“Therefore, my dear brothers, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain”
(1 Corinthians 15:58).

That's right! I have a purpose!! And I'm doing it for GOD not for MAN, for the creator! Not for myself alone! Yay =) happier now. Haha. Will attempt to study~

hee.

Butterfly

Sometimes I wish I didn't flit around.

It's really tiring at this moment. I want to take some time off. Rest. Relax.

Wash off all the grime, off body and soul and start afresh.

A time when I can back off and have a quiet time with God.

That's the problem. I've been spending time on all the wrong things.

Sometimes, it's tiring because I keep hoping I'll find perfect Christians, but because they don't follow the standards I'd hope to achieve, I get disappointed, because yet another person that I can't rely on.

Andrea, you just need to rely on God!

Sometimes, it's because I'm not sure if I acted rightly. Is it right to go out with someone and perhaps lead them on. Is it proper? I don't have enough biblical training for this. What should I do, Lord? And I feel like there is no one near to counsel me. It's hard.

Sometimes, I'm not sure if I should be socializing with this group or that group. I flit here. I flit there. But in the end, I don't have any flower to rest my tired wings upon. People are very kind, they treat me equally and all.

I really feel lost. God, can you give me an answer?

I'm confused. I have this philosophy that whatever happens in our life, God guides us and it's for our best, so don't question it. So when I think something bad is going to happen, I start to worry and then I stop myself.

I have to accept that bad things will happen to me right? If God wills it, then I shouldn't be afraid of rape and all right? << this is wrong thinking. I know it is! Just that I'm not strong enough in my faith.

tiring

tiring

tiring

tiring

New Moon?

I talked all I could. It was like a recording tape. Ongoing.

Rewind. Play. Stop. Rewind. Play. Stop.

It's like the whole world knows everything there is to know.

But talking helps. And I think it might be over.

I think finally I can come out of my room and face whatever problems I need to.

It's been a very relaxed time in my room.

I'm fine. I'm fine. Watched 'How I met your mother' was therapeutic in a way. Makes me forget. Makes me laugh and find that smile again.

Don't worry, my dear friend, Mei Fong. Just pray for me *Hug* and don't make this blog known to anyone if possible haha << sry, I'm writing it out loud here. I don't know how to privately comment and get you notified by it.

Anyway, I think everything about my studies is fine in a way. I think I manage to get all the subjects I need!

Target has not been seen around my area so I'm safe so far. I feel safer since it's the last day he'll be here. I hope everything ends about him. I really hope he's gone.

Now, besides that, everything else is complicated. The thing about Singapore and NUS is the fact that not all stuff are notified to you at the same time. You get notified of sudden dinners you need to attend etc. Not the most joyous thing ever, I guess.

I feel like I'm losing my focus on God.. on my mission, by staying in my room like this. It's tiring. Haha, and also feel with much regret that I missed out on so many things that could have been good memories if things were different.

But I truly thank God for the kind kind seniors and my wonderfully encouraging and supportive friends.

Some good may came out of this:
1) I'll be more wary of people next time and not to be so trusting in such a way that can endanger myself
2) Now there are seniors who know about me or know my personality a little
3) I am able to empathize with others who face the similar fear and use it to counsel and bring people to Christ
4) There are some people who use Christianity as a bait to lure stupid girls like me. And those people are the worst, because they truly dishonor God's name IMO
5) No matter where I go, there are always people who care about me

Although I wish that person did not freak me out so much because now...
1) I feel that my orientation is ruined
2) I feel like an abused wife that is feeling guilty cos she thinks she's the reason she's being abused
3) Whenever I think about jogging around the campus or visit my friends in PGP, I get frightened a bit. At least, my walkway at this hour (to the toilet or others) is not as menacing. I mean, he has to sleep to have strength to target other girls right??
4) I feel like I failed as a christian in a way
5) my friends have been too worried for me and I don't want them to feel anxious and helpless

Pros and Cons all in a row.

I'm not mentally deranged, y'all

Just a bit messed up.

Anyhow, parents are coming tomorrow right? I'll be safe. I don't want to worry them. Not with my aunty having cancer and all. Not with all the money problems. Sigh. What is my option then?

Tell me, Lord.

Today you say,

Without love, there is not meaning to things. No lasting result.

Then Lord, sometimes I wonder when can I practice this love. Or how can I do it like Jesus when I am a girl?

Father, forgive me if I'd sinned.

Hurting you is worse than hurting me.

Let your Will be Done.

It's tiring. Time is slow and slugs onwards... but it still moves fast and I'm panicking.

Bella ish

You know... this has been a good experience, albeit a scary one.

But the effects last. It's like your blood is drained from your face and you can feel the cheekbones drawing in.

Your eyes grow large and you can't seem to breathe, act or think right.

It's a paralyzing fear.

A crippling fear of the unexpected even when things are not what they seem.

The person has frightened me and I hate that it affects me so much. I hate that he has ruined one of my life experience.

I hate that he has killed my smile.

I really do.

And if tears are falling, I'm so messed up, I wonder if it's my own fault at all.

I can't seem to get back up as fast I should.

I can feel myself withering and I wonder why.

Is it me? Is it me? Or is it not me...

And the fact that everyone is so kind and yet so casual, makes me...

...

...

God, is it wrong for me not to have love? When this kind of people are involved?

I'm lost and confused and the guilt is killing me.

I think I'm going to cry.

I'm glad I'm alone in the room.

All I am is EMO?

I know I know.

I sound emo in this blog ALL THE TIME

Oh my goodness. Something just happened. I have no idea why I am so scared. Seriously. It's like a crippling fear. That person is too too frightening. I am darn darn darn scared.

I have no idea why. Everyone says to complain but I'm super scared.

I have no idea why.

Why can't you be stronger?

Why can't you be stronger?

Why can't you be stronger?

WHY CAN'T YOU BE STRONGER?!?

The Wheel

The basics of all basics in discipleship.

1) The Life in Christ
"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come"
2 Cor 5:17

God. Because you came into my life, I have a purpose that is distinct from others. I am created for you. God, I am new and let me Glorify your Name.

2) Christ the Centre
"I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing"
John 15:5

God. I feel tremendously alone. But I know that if I keep your Word close to my heart, my path is lit by your presence and comforting light. Without you, I will fall into darkness. Without you, I will lose my way.

3) The Word
"Jesus answered 'It is written ' Men does not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God'"
Matthew 4:4

God, your words comforts and lifts me up. How can I live without thy loving kindness is impossible to understand. I'm frightened but your word and promises... lifts me up.

4) Prayer
"Until now, you have not asked for anything in my name. Ask and you will receive, and your joy will be complete"
John 16:24

God. Listen to my plea and prayer. I thank your mercy and guidance that you have been with me and has given me Your Son to die on the cross so that I can talk to you and call you Father. Your love gives me courage. For what Father will lead his daughter to darkness? God, no matter what obstacles I go through, I know you'll be there for me and lead me to where is best for me,

5) Obedience
"Whoever has my commands and obeys them, he is the one who loves me. He who loves me will be loved by my Father, and I too will love him and show myself to him."
John 14:21

God, I ask myself. I know you love me. But do I truly love you. God, from my heart, I say I do. You are the Alpha and Omega and even though you are and Awesome God and I am nothing, Father you have drawn me to your embrace. God. I love you and for this, I commit my life to you. A life that glorifies you. A life that can be a lighthouse to the world.

6) Witnessing
"We proclaim to you what we have seen and heard, so that you also may have fellowship with us. And our fellowship is with the Father and with his Son, Jesus Christ"
1John 1:3

God. This feeling I know. The comfort I get from you, I must share with the world! Lord, Give me strength that I may lead some souls to you today!

Amen.

Song

D major

Oh, I'm happy oh tonight,
the world is shining bright,
please don't say goodbye, oh today.

So, I'm going to try and stop time,
put my batteries all in a line,
but even if seconds go, the memories of you still stay.

Chorus:
Can ten thousand angels,
sing my song,
with the same heart,
the same look in your eyes
whenever I look at you,
And like a bird my feelings soar,
a picture in the clear blue sky,
this fireworks inside of me,
can the angels sings about tonight.

(la di da >sfx)

Oh, I'm feeling really good,
not studying like I should,
now the alphabets starts with 'U' and 'I'.

So hey, I think that I'm in love,
is it meant from up above?
Well, I think you know,
cos the feelings on my face and smiles just show.

(repeat chorus)

Bridge:
Oh, it's never easy,
when this love's from one party,
and you just feel so alone, so alone,
But soon,
time will tell you what you know,
something you felt from long ago,
then you'll look up and you'll see me!

(repeat chorus)

Breathe

It's as if I can't breathe

just breathe

so simple

but I can't.